The sun is shining! Aw, lovely. For anyone that has spent any real amount of time in the Pacific Northwest, the sun can feel like a long lost friend. Once found again it fills empty space one forgot was there. It can make the grumpiest old-timer feel the giddiness Spring even in the dead of Winter. Times like this I want to go outside and play! It's nap time for the kids, however, and I've promised my family I would catch up on the weeks of laundry I've let go of during the holiday season.
I feel so discouraged right now. My heart longs for the outdoors, sunshine, art, music, good food, and good company. This is all I really need to be happy. I don't need tons of money, traveling, expensive and stylish clothing, or even popularity. Though all those things would be very nice.
This time in my life is filled with beautiful young boys and a long state of hibernation. What a precious time with precious children. A time I will never get back. They will grow and all this will change. I will be a little older, hopefully a little wiser, and ready to re-enter a world that is a little bit more about me. This time of hibernating with young children is a time of inner-world challenges. Everyday I am asked to stretch my character just a little further because who challenges you more than your own children? Sometimes every piece of me aches for peace, solitude, and time to do what I want.
While my heart aches to be filled by my own personal needs, I look at my three little boys and remember how my heart is now filled in a different way.
I remember a time I could do whatever I wanted and yet always found excuses not to do them. I worked too hard, ate too much unhealthy food, sat too much, watched too much television, and whined too much. I also had a different sort of ache and longing I couldn't put my finger on. Well, after having kids, that ache is gone. So yes, my days of excess are over. Having the responsibility of these little ones has given me a satisfaction I never felt before.
Have you ever wished a time in your life was finally over only to get there, reflect back upon those days and wish you could revisit?
My days are busy, noisy, messy, long yet short. I've found some gray hairs and my skin is no longer perfect. I'm usually covered in food, boogies, and sometimes probably other unmentionable stuff that I'd like to pretend never happened. I am home too often and managing everyone else's days but my own.
One lesson I've learned in life is to take advantage of all opportunities. I may not be able to get out and about like I used to. My career is on hold as I watch my friends make leaps and bounds past me. This doesn't mean I give up and allow my whole self to become all about my family. My family is incredibly important to me and I have the privilege to choose not to work. Yet, this doesn't mean I can't learn and grow on my own and in quiet ways. In fact, having children and wanting to be a good example to them is all the more reason to find opportunities to grow in ways I choose to.
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